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sing me to sleep (day thirty)

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Playlist of the Week.”

1. andrew mcmahon in the wilderness- rainy girl

i don’t know man, i have really just been listening to andrew recently. i knew some songs when he was in jack’s mannequin but became a huge fan when he went solo and released the pop underground. now, i’m super glad that he has out a new record- totally worth a listen. it’s so calming and dream-like, and in a perfect world would be the soundtrack to a perfect day in massachussetts

2. the wombats- greek tragedy (bastille remix)

i’m a sucker for anything bastille related, so when i heard about this new remix on tumblr, i was already in. it took a few listens, but now i’m hooked. the original song is amazing, but i love when bastille remixes a song and makes it sound even more haunting.

3. mø- say you’ll be there (spice girls remix)

my favorite spice girls song- ever. ’nuff said.

4. kygo feat. conrad- firestone

i love kygo’s remixes (favorites include i see fire and sexual healing). i heard this song for the first time two months ago, but my friend started playing it and reminded me that i love this song. like, a lot.

5. the smiths- asleep

just finished rereading perks of being a wallflower, and if you’ve ever read it you’ll understand why i chose this. charlie was not lying about this song. it makes me feel like i’m floating in a pool of sadness but i’m okay with it.

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love is the one wild card (day thirty)

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Teen Age Idol.”

like most teen girls (i refuse to use the word tween), i worshipped taylor swift. and i still do. she represents what we all wanted to be at some point- beautiful, talented, genuine and loved. not just to be all that, but to be recognized as someone who has all those traits. there’s a large section of tumblr dedicated to her words, which are so deep i could literally swim in them. i question my speaking habits when i realize again and again that over 50% of my words include “um” and “yeah” and awkward fumbles of explanations. i love the way she’s grown as a person over the past year, and her thoughts have really matured and evolved to the point that she speaks for so many. i always wonder how she became to be so successful, shattering all these records and setting up new benchmarks for other artists. she really has it all- a great voice, stainless public image, seven grammy’s (and counting!!) and awesome fans. she’s such a people person, and everything she does gets her in the good graces of millions of people everywhere. i’m glad that she’s enjoying the single life and proving to skeptics that love extends past domestic relationships. to this day, i love her because she’s what i want to be.

wonderstruck

*this entire post was written from a hardcore swiftie’s perspective

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so i guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons (day twenty nine)

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “He’s (She’s) So Fine.”

it’s odd how once you like someone you start to love everything about them. everything is suddenly an adorable quirk or you just happen to have this crazy coincidence. this isn’t the even soulmates that have dated for years kind of connection, but something i often find myself doing every time i start up a new crush (which happens more often than anyone could expect). this makes me think that everything they do is special. there’s one boy who i have never talked to who i just adore because of his sense of humour and personality. i don’t think he’s conventionally hot but everything he does seem to make him seem like someone i’d fall in love with. we’re nowhere close to being in the same social circle* so it’s hard to tell, but i think about the things i’ve seen him do and i realize he could be a lot more egotistical, but he’s not and that’s what appeals so much to me. and there’s another boy who i just get so nervous around for no reason, and i don’t even think we have a connection. i could literally be another face in the crowd to him but his presence can make me question everything from my breathing to my eyesight.

**i can’t even compare them to me. it’s like they’re on a parallel level in some alternate universe.

i realize that so many of these crushes start purely through coincidence or incidence, and if i had missed a certain action or my schedule was just two classes different then things could be so different. but i suppose all love is through happenstance, so i’m as close to love as anyone else.

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i wish (day twenty eight)

i wish that i didn’t worry as much as i do, but i wish i didn’t have to worry about these things in the first place, because i shouldn’t. i don’t know why i can’t stop panicking about how other people see me, or comparing myself to others.  i wish i was naturally well-liked like so many people that i know, or that i had one special quality that justified not being decent at anything. i wish my friends weren’t so judgmental towards certain people, including me, and that there were people more suited for me. i wish i could clear my head, but everything is flying around like the tasmanian devil from looney tunes was let loose. i wish that i could make decisions more easily, and that they would be the right one. i wish that i knew how to talk to him, whoever he may be, and that i would go on the adventures that i often think about.

i don’t have the dream. one of my friends wants to be a vet, and another wants to move to england and just generally leave america. my dream is centered entirely around vanity, yet common. i just want to wake up in fifteen years and be happier than the people who make me sad will be, and be content with my life. i’d like to be rich so that i could have a real influence to emphasize the good in the world and to make sure that the people who really deserve it can be cared for and about. it’d be great to have a healthy relationship with my body, and finally reach that state of mind where i won’t be worrying about my diet so often. i’d like to live a life of no regrets, but that can’t truly happen when you’re worrying about how the other kids in the hallways will see you. so maybe, i’d just like to grow up.

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enjoy it because it’s happening (day twenty seven)

it’s not quite 10:30, but i’m exhausted. it may have been tennis tryouts or all the chamomile tea i drink, but i think i’m gonna call it a night. but i made the new year’s resolution to write everyday, and without any inspiration i must do the most boring thing in the world- talk about my day.

well, first of all, this semester has been… questionable. sometimes i’m having the time of my life, laughing around over a terribly awkward assembly, and other times i feel like my friends aren’t even my friends. it’s quite odd, but my new schedule has made things easier. i’ve signed up for a new art class and i have an extra free period because of the two electives i was assigned to last semester. in graphic design, we’re redesigning book covers, and i just finished rereading perks of being a wallflower a few hours ago so it seems to be the most obvious choice. the cover is pretty straightforward and i think it accompanies the story pretty well, but the idea i have is too good to turn down. the project is going to take some serious effort, and i’m not even done planning it. but i’m excited beyond belief- design is something i’ve always appreciated and a hobby i’ve recently picked up. the interest in graphic design makes watching commercials and reading advertisements different. i mostly criticize aloud even though i technically couldn’t make anything better.

i’m also rewatching twin peaks, which is odd since it was so hard to finish. the show’s incredibly dense, and i only started watching because dan smith always seems to reference it in songs/music videos and interviews. nevertheless, i’ve thoroughly enjoyed the pilot and seeing the first appearance of agent cooper. somewhere in the endless numbers of murky episodes, i really started to become fond of the show. maybe it’s the reassuring promise that the mystifying music will be in every episode, or the fact that most people my age don’t watch the show, but i now claim this show to be my own. it’s a fandom i’ve relished being a part of, especially since it’s coming back in 2016. before knowing of the return, it was quite the experience to enjoy something that has been technically dead for over twenty years. odd how i see things differently after this information has come out.

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welcome to new york, it’s been waiting for you

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Terminal Time.”

it’s odd. airports can be some of the most unpleasant places, with the angst-filled beginning to family vacations, public bathrooms and unpredictable temperatures, but i love spending time in them. if you’re spending time inside an airport, you’re either waiting to board or waiting for someone else. either way, it’s the king of all metaphors- a new beginning. my flights are rarely delayed- in fact my family usually rushes to terminals and gates. i’ve even caused my dad to miss a flight, but that’s another story. i’ve rarely had the opportunity to really explore an airport, but it holds all these possibilities (mostly of types of food, but still).

my favorite airport is, by far, jfk international. while i was waiting for the person to pick me up for camp (it turns out that he had been a few feet away from me the entire time- his backpack was covering the words on his shirt), i started reading catcher in the rye. it was a rocky beginning for me, and the fact that holden spend the entire novel wandering around new york flew over my head. i ate an overpriced burger in a diner near the destinations and luggage area and tried to pay attention to the novel, but it was impossible. it ended taking the entire summer to finish that short book, only with the excitement of my more northern friends to fuel me.

going home from jfk was a much different experience. from a tourist’s perspective, it was hard to tell that you were in new york. everything seemed dark as i ate my panda express (i definitely should’ve gone with shake shack), as if “the city that never sleeps” was nowhere near. it might just have been the crappy time i had at camp, but i was really dejected at not being able to roam around more. i wish i had gotten a cheap massage or manicure or bought some better magazines, but i was hurried and the last thing i wanted to do was buy one of those cheap sweatshirts in hudson news or something. maybe i would’ve read some kurt vonnegut if i had found a quality bookstore, or found a lounge area better than the stiff chairs in the gates.

well, no use dwelling in the past. i do hope that i go back soon.

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no one said it was easy (day twenty five)

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Enough Is Enough.”

but i assumed that it was gonna be a piece of cake anyways. and what’s it? having friends, of course.

i’m not sure if it was just chick flicks or ya novels who made me assume that each group goes around with their own clique avoiding other cliques, but i keep getting surprised when i realize again and again that the notion isn’t true. or at least, not everywhere. where i go to school, it’s almost impossible to differentiate people into clean cut friend groups. it’s like god himself giggled and decided to mix all the colors of play-do until it all became an ugly brown blob and people just mesh and interact until you and i can’t tell the purple from the yellow.

in the least creepiest way possible, that’s why it’s so fun to observe people. to sit next to someone in chemistry and then see them interact with people in the hallways is such an odd experience. but i’m not going to lie it’s also hella confusing. everything seems to be confusing to me, but remembering who likes who is exhausting. i can’t count the number of times my friends say something whole-heartedly and then when i state my support a few hours later everyone sighs and says in a diminishing tone that she and james are back together (like, duh) and probably going to get married in the next fourteen minutes and it’s again just occurring to me that it’s not worth it.

Phoebe_stop_the_madness

again, i throw in the towel.

my grades suffer because i waste my time worrying about what my actions and words might accidentally convey and how other people might see me. it’s so stupid, especially because these people aren’t good people. some don’t work hard and are so mean, and honestly i question the values of others. high school is literally four years of life. whatever happened between sixth grade and now has made my life so much worse (mostly academically), and i only have myself to blame for it. me and my overthinking brain. i’m pretty sure that if i had stayed the same from sixth grade, i would’ve been one of those teens who would’ve been interviewed for a yahoo article or met the president. yes i would be a load weirder but i would also be a ton smarter. what a shame. there’s nothing i can do because i’ve made myself lazy. i used to be a thin, smart kid and now i’m out of shape and metaphorically a loser. being surrounded by successful people is both motivating and upsetting.

but of course, that’s just me and my school. this is something i often jump from side to side on. tomorrow, i’ll probably put my friends back on their pedestals, no matter how rude they can be.

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