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i wish (day twenty eight)

i wish that i didn’t worry as much as i do, but i wish i didn’t have to worry about these things in the first place, because i shouldn’t. i don’t know why i can’t stop panicking about how other people see me, or comparing myself to others.  i wish i was naturally well-liked like so many people that i know, or that i had one special quality that justified not being decent at anything. i wish my friends weren’t so judgmental towards certain people, including me, and that there were people more suited for me. i wish i could clear my head, but everything is flying around like the tasmanian devil from looney tunes was let loose. i wish that i could make decisions more easily, and that they would be the right one. i wish that i knew how to talk to him, whoever he may be, and that i would go on the adventures that i often think about.

i don’t have the dream. one of my friends wants to be a vet, and another wants to move to england and just generally leave america. my dream is centered entirely around vanity, yet common. i just want to wake up in fifteen years and be happier than the people who make me sad will be, and be content with my life. i’d like to be rich so that i could have a real influence to emphasize the good in the world and to make sure that the people who really deserve it can be cared for and about. it’d be great to have a healthy relationship with my body, and finally reach that state of mind where i won’t be worrying about my diet so often. i’d like to live a life of no regrets, but that can’t truly happen when you’re worrying about how the other kids in the hallways will see you. so maybe, i’d just like to grow up.

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