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the fear of the fear of standing out

one of the biggest habits i need to fix in 2015 is comparing myself. i compare myself to literally everyone, and it makes me an incredibly sensitive and somewhat cynical person. it’s a cause of so many worries, but at the same time the critiquing makes me work towards being better.

i’ve been on this earth for a while, and i still haven’t decided if i’m special or not. in retrospect, i was quite special (at least to how i am now). but i think society really warps young minds sometimes, and it can repress a skinny little sixth grader into being passive and unremarkable. if you saw my application or resumé, i would just be another teenage girl who shops at uo* and watches parks and recreation, but i think that in person i’m quite odd. i overshare and underprepared, which makes people pretty uncomfortable. i can’t tell a story to save my life, which makes me dead weight at social events, and i overthink pretty easily. unfortunately, none of these traits are helpful in any way, so after an interview i’m pretty sure people would put me at the bottom of the stack.

every once in a while i have this sudden urge to really clean up my academics and dust off everything and become shiny and improved. it’s an invigorating feeling, but never seems to work out. i have a short attention span, and ultimately give up until the next weekend comes and i’m convinced that i’ll become a millionaire before 20. today, i kept thinking about what i wanted to do in the future, because now everyone is thinking about the future. parents have their kids studying for the sat’s in the eighth grade and are already making decisions that their child is ultimately going to regret. planning is great, because stability is something so fickle, but at the same time being comfortable means there’s no room to be creative.

one of my biggest heroes is filmmaker casey neistat, who was the first to make me understand why four minute youtube videos counted as films. he was born into a reasonable family, lived in a trailer park and worked as a dishwasher for a tourist stop, sold a tv show to hbo for millions of dollars and is now living in new york city spewing out viral videos. of course he’s creative and really knows how to make a great video, but i always think that if he hadn’t had those circumstances he would’ve never gotten to where he is now. he was forced to be creative, and couldn’t (or didn’t) worry about stigmas. and i wish i could be that fearless, because i can’t even count the number of opportunities i’ve turned down out of fear of being the odd one out. i hate having anything people might judge me about, but again and again i realize that if i don’t do something i’m just going to become part of a demographic. i know my biggest regret isn’t going to be not traveling to europe or not marrying the one, but not saying yes to the things that really could have made an impact. my interim goal in life, incredibly cynical but even more narcissistic, is to be happier than the people who’ve made me sad or mad. the ones whose words seem to seep into my head when i should be focusing on other things. it’s messed up, but most of these people are friends. and they’re the kind of people who are judgmental about everything, so i’ve decided that if i’m going to break the rules i might as well be creative. they all seem to pretend not to care, and i know that if i go down that path i’m going to start not to care, and that’s another nightmare of mine.

good talk. it’s really cleared up my mind even though it’s 1 am and i’m sitting in the dark saying these words to myself while typing them into my brighter than my future computer screen.

*they’re known for their “edgy” things, but i can’t take them seriously anymore because everyone shops there. everything they have is deviated from something else that’s famous, yet i still like their clothes. odd.

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