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different colours (day eighty eight)

not to start this off as the most cliché blog post ever but i’m realizing again and again that everyone is different. in the way that we all have different issues, circumstances, strengths/weaknesses, of course, but neither you nor i will only be the odd ones out. in the way that i am not from as influential a family as the people i know, a friend is bound to be set apart from the rest of us perhaps through gender preferences or future desires. this realization is trite, and it in no way consoles me when i’m feeling left out. i am not the only one who feels alone, and though it sounds callous, it is quite reassuring to know that i am not the only one.

but it’s strange how one person can be so ashamed of this trait that another vocal about having. i wonder to myself if there’s something wrong inside (like imbalances in my brain or such), and think that there might be a magical pill that would fix everything. but then i think that if i’m noticing the problem, there probably isn’t a problem. but i keep this to myself because i haven’t been diagnosed and i’ve always hated when people used mental illnesses as an excuse (where they don’t have the mental illness, but throw around the term to defend their actions). i am not a vocal person, and i am quite pessimistic in certain ways, so though i’m a liberal thinker, i’m not about conversations. i hate assemblies when people of no real training on the subject tries to teach my grade about eating disorders or sexual assault, because i’ll hear the same kind of banal remarks that will pop up if i search either topic up.*maybe it’s because the former hits close to home, or that it seems that people are not doing all that they can, but i am not a fan of discussions. i just can’t seem to wrap my head around how other people have opinions so different from mine when i’m so sure of my beliefs (not religion, but human rights and treating others correctly), and speaking up, though heroic in a sense, will only set me up for failure. because it’s bound that someone with more power will turn on you and make you regret opening your mouth. it’s hard to defend what you think it’s right, and though it’s the weak move to make, sometimes i just stay quiet. i don’t resist, but at the same time i don’t comply, because i think you can only pick so many battles. i’m looking forward to the future, when i’ll (hopefully) have a bigger say in things, and i won’t be scared into not being steadfast in my beliefs. but until then, i’ll just observe.

*i never talked about mine, even though it’s something that i controlled years ago, because it’s just not something you can talk about. and no matter how many campaigns set up to make conversations about them, it’ll never be something i’ll tell my friends about. and i just hate that people assume that the kind of messed up things that come with problems like mine are capable of bringing up to anyone, particularly school administrators that may as well be strangers to me. i’m sure they have the best intentions, and maybe i’m just bitter, so i really do hope that these assemblies make someone feel more in control of what they’re dealing with.

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