full moon: times are a changing (day one hundred eighteen)

change is such an odd thing in that you rarely recognize it happening. or at least, i only notice it in retrospect. maybe i was never observant enough or assumed it would be a one-time deal until it happened enough that you just stop noticing it as separate occasions and let it become the norm. sometime between two weeks ago and now, i just became better. i sleep more, i eat more healthily, i seem to be funnier, i’m working better at schoolwork, and to be honest, i think i look better (i started wearing mascara and straightening my hair). i’m glad that all this is happening, and though this seems to affect other things, i’m okay. because what i’ve accomplished were my objectives. it’s okay that my ideas for design aren’t as sharp and i read novels more slowly and i’m watching less tv. because i think i’m happy


blame and guilt (day one hundred sixteen)

there’s a reason it’s called retail therapy. and i hate it. i can’t decide if i hate shopping. i the ten minutes before and after swiping the card, and there’s this wave of guilt going through me. except instead of the woosh it’s a faint “you don’t need this”. and i don’t. i don’t think most people do. i, like many do have things to wear. i didn’t need the dress i bought online a few weeks ago, even though i love it a lot and have already worn it twice. i don’t need the bathing suit i just bought less than twenty minutes ago online (but i feel like i do really need it), and i feel like they have won. who? i’m still trying to figure that out, but for now it’s corporate america. i honestly feel that brands like j. crew and loft target suburban people who have normal lives but would like more. i swear their main customers are people who hate their decision to stay in the suburbs and mistakenly take that frustration out on their credit cards. they know there is more than clothes, but taking the leap to do what they want is too scary.

i can say this, because i am one of them.


a woman’s not a woman until the pills wear off (day one hundred and ten)

who decided dress code was a good idea?

i pose this question not as someone who “expresses herself through clothing and fashion” but as a teenage girl, free of any dress code violations, who would rather study for my courses over worrying over the width of her tank top. i don’t fall into what most would call inappropriate (i’ve been made fun of for dressing like a teacher), so understand that this doesn’t just come from people who wear short skirts and high heels (which is great for them).

the main reasoning when this whole institution is questioned is that, in school, boys will get distracted with a hard on if they see a bra strap or -gasp- more than two inches between knee and skirt. and, to state the obvious, this is kind of sexist. why should i, an unsuspecting teenage girl, have to dress so the boy sitting behind me can concentrate? and what if i, someone who seems to have a new crush every week yet never does anything about it, am turned on by that sliver of boxer that sometimes peeks through or a boys calves in those shorts? i would say that’s a legitimate argument, as girls are more likely than you would suspect to be attracted to a guy’s back or abs.

and then, there’s also the rationalization that dress codes are somehow supposed to prepare teenagers for the real world. but, assuming that there happen to be occupations outside of offices and courtrooms and banks, this is quite possibly the worst explanation. yes, it’s possible to get discriminated against depending on what you wear, but no cop is going to stop you and hand you a ticket because your dress was four fifths of an inch too short

i don’t want to see anyone’s underwear at school, girl or guys’, but i am completely over the stress and high-horse factor associated with dress code. it’s great if a girl covers herself up or wears short shorts in the summer, but stop acting like your opinion should matter so much. but now that i’m thinking about it, maybe they do prepare people for the real world- girls experience the discrimination that comes with being a woman and boys learn that it’s okay to blame an entire gender for their shortcomings.

“What in hell is a girl with hips like yours doing selling death?”*

this sounds like a drastic example from welcome to the monkey house, but it really doesn’t fall so far from what i’ve heard. of course, substitute selling death with other things, but that’s not the main idea.

i’m a fan of modesty**, but that’s only for myself. it’s important not to decide a woman’s value based on the shortness or length of their skirt.

*title and quote from one of my favorite short stories, welcome to the monkey house, from my favorite collection of short stories, also welcome to the monkey house.

**but what is modesty? isn’t it different for every person, based on height and weight, so entirely unobjective? call me when there’s a number attached to this.


standing up to your sins (day one hundred and nine)

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Karma Chameleon.”

i’d like to hope that i’d naturally act fairly to everyone, not because karma were to exist and i’d like a slice of it. i’ve always wanted to “do the right thing” just because it is the right thing to do, not because i would like a break in the future. recently, i’ve become more cynical in terms of the reasons behind my actions, though. but i think, if karma were to be proven past a spiritual level, that my biggest change would be in what i say about the people i know. i’d defend the people i think deserve defending, based not on their social level or class but how good of a person they are. at this point i feel that i would never survive like that. i’m not a strong enough person to stand out so much, and the thought of putting myself out there more than i already am is daunting.

You can tell more about a person by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him

audrey hepburn

*i’m not the most religious person. i hardly go to church that often, but i love how the title sounds. in fact, i feel that most of the christians i know are hypocrites, but that’s for another post.



academic mourning (day one hundred and six)

as you can see from the title of this post, the background is quite somber.

throughout the years, i’ve had parts of my life magnified to help define myself. it varied from being just an overall good kid to my body to my friends, possessions, and most recently, my grades. i seem to be in this horrible cycle of getting bad grades and moping for just a little too long to do well enough in the next opportunity (i drown my sorrows by watching television). but when the series is over (ahem skins) or you have some other kind of reality check, the prospect of opportunity becomes scary. not terrifying, but a passive kind of looming-over-you. it seems inappropriate to jump right into a new opportunity, so after blanking during my chemistry test, i watched an hour of bones and here i am, typing and wondering if i should be doing my homework. but as much as i hate positivity when i’m feeling down, some things are really pushing me to improving.

i have:

  • basically an infinite playlist that won’t distract me since i’ve started listening to the national. i’m a new fan, so most of the songs sound like the others, but i hope in the time to come that i’ll be able to differentiate my favorites.
  • new flair pens (i’ve got 12; i will make sure not to push down too harshly)
  • the weekend. i always think that i’ll become well rested and suddenly replenished over a two and a half day break, but it never seems to work out that way. maybe i’ll renew my books (i haven’t gotten even a third way into americannah and i’m still on the namesake of welcome to the monkey house).

i’m hoping for the best.


from this day forward (day one hundred and three)

i wil not

  • read those magazine articles that provide false expectations for a major life change (ie leaving a bad relationship, getting a promotion, traveling the world) that are not attainable, not just because it doesn’t apply but because they’re unrealistic
  • spend time with people that are not my friends. this is such a hard thing to do because i have become so accustomed to a steady ten or so people in my life, but it’s becoming clearer that i have more in common with random people than i thought (met a fellow nerdfighter today!)
  • spend less time on electronics and sleep more. as  as that, but i’ve heard it does wonders (i’m officially starting today)
  • become more worldly. i’m starting with a nigerian love story, but hopefully this will end up with me improving my spanish and understanding what’s going on outside of the u.s
  • listen to other peoples’ opinions. not just decisions on group projects, but people of different faiths, political parties, etc. and reminder:
  • understand politics. i listen to npr sporadically, but i have no idea about half the terms they throw out

making lists and declarations has’t always worked out for me. this blog is basically an opposition to the belief that new year’s resolutions rarely pan out, but i haven’t been able to write every day. or, i suppose i can, but i never do.



In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Nothin’ But A Good Time.”

as a high schooler, it’s impossible to imagine a day without worrying about school. even during breaks, i’ve always had to do extra work (you can see why i hate summer now). of course i’m still a sophomore, but it’s still hard getting everything done.

if i had a day to do whatever i wanted, with no obligations at all, it’d go a little something like this:

wake up at 10 am. make a breakfast quesadilla or a smoothie

and then i’d just read. for the rest of the day, i hope. i was an avid reader when i was younger (i once won a stereo in the second grade that i still use for taylor swift cd’s), but as time went on schoolwork and extracurriculars started taking precedence. i am by no means busier than any of my friends, but i’ve been told that i move and act slowly so that could definitely hinder my scheduling. i just started americanah by chimamanda ngozi adichie and it has such an interesting beginning. i’m only on page six, but the narrator’s words almost sound angsty and sarcastic, something i wouldn’t expect from such a thick book with a dark-ish cover. i also subscribed to two magazines (teen vogue and seventeen) that have yet to come, but in the mean time i’d be getting caught up with time.

and of course, netflix. i can’t seem to finish a series, so i’ve got to work on completing merlin, bones, unbreakable kimmy schmidt, skins and friends.

an unattainable free day (day one hundred and two)