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old, sly dog (day one hundred thirty two)

first of all, i apologize for my disappearance. i may not have a lot of readers, but i’m very thankful for those of you who think that what i’m blabbering on about is important enough to follow.

things have flipped around a few times, and within the past few weeks i changed from a miserable person to a balanced, figuring-it-out girl. i think it’s no coincidence that this all came around the time i started watching the office, but more on that later. nothing sudden has happened, but i slowly and kind of randomly found little moments of pride and happiness. a 95 on a math quiz, or an anecdote my friends find hilarious. it’s sad that those are the things that make me happiest, but i guess my goals aren’t elaborate. i really want to end the school year strong, but that would involve having a non-fluctuating grade in math and such. that is not the case, and i’ve changed my goal to just hanging on.

but i can tell things have changed.

little things, like my reading habits or my exercise plan. i used to read all at once, or at the very least, large chunks of a novel in few sittings. instead, i’ve learned to put a book down for the sake of getting enough sleep. i’m rereading welcome to the monkey house, which i started about two weeks ago, and i’m still just halfway through. i try to get a story each night before bed, but i’ve skipped that the past few days. and this blog… well somehow it kind of dropped from my priorities, and i think that’s okay. summer is coming, and hopefully i’ll write enough to make it up. i also started running again. i’ve always been the one to crack jokes about being out of shape, and until i’m able to run a few miles without stopping, i’ll continue that. and i’ve joined clubs. a broadcasting one and a womens’ one.

this is all kind of a jumble but it’s just to fill in for the past several days in which i was silent on here. i’m going to try to piece out my schoolwork, which is something i rarely do because i don’t have that kind of patience. i’m a frustrated person if i don’t finish things in my first try, so this will test my patience.

so yeah, i’m sure everyone i know has been doing what i’ve just started trying. but i’m learning, which is something.

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Uncategorized

old, sly dog (day one hundred thirty two)

first of all, i apologize for my disappearance. i may not have a lot of readers, but i’m very thankful for those of you who think that what i’m blabbering on about is important enough to follow.

things have flipped around a few times, and within the past few weeks i changed from a miserable person to a balanced, figuring-it-out girl. i think it’s no coincidence that this all came around the time i started watching the office, but more on that later. nothing sudden has happened, but i slowly and kind of randomly found little moments of pride and happiness. a 95 on a math quiz, or an anecdote my friends find hilarious. it’s sad that those are the things that make me happiest, but i guess my goals aren’t elaborate. i really want to end the school year strong, but that would involve having a non-fluctuating grade in math and such. that is not the case, and i’ve changed my goal to just hanging on.

but i can tell things have changed.

little things, like my reading habits or my exercise plan. i used to read all at once, or at the very least, large chunks of a novel in few sittings. instead, i’ve learned to put a book down for the sake of getting enough sleep. i’m rereading welcome to the monkey house, which i started about two weeks ago, and i’m still just halfway through. i try to get a story each night before bed, but i’ve skipped that the past few days. and this blog… well somehow it kind of dropped from my priorities, and i think that’s okay. summer is coming, and hopefully i’ll write enough to make it up. i also started running again. i’ve always been the one to crack jokes about being out of shape, and until i’m able to run a few miles without stopping, i’ll continue that. and i’ve joined clubs. a broadcasting one and a womens’ one.

this is all kind of a jumble but it’s just to fill in for the past several days in which i was silent on here. i’m going to try to piece out my schoolwork, which is something i rarely do because i don’t have that kind of patience. i’m a frustrated person if i don’t finish things in my first try, so this will test my patience.

so yeah, i’m sure everyone i know has been doing what i’ve just started trying. but i’m learning, which is something.

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academic mourning (day one hundred and six)

as you can see from the title of this post, the background is quite somber.

throughout the years, i’ve had parts of my life magnified to help define myself. it varied from being just an overall good kid to my body to my friends, possessions, and most recently, my grades. i seem to be in this horrible cycle of getting bad grades and moping for just a little too long to do well enough in the next opportunity (i drown my sorrows by watching television). but when the series is over (ahem skins) or you have some other kind of reality check, the prospect of opportunity becomes scary. not terrifying, but a passive kind of looming-over-you. it seems inappropriate to jump right into a new opportunity, so after blanking during my chemistry test, i watched an hour of bones and here i am, typing and wondering if i should be doing my homework. but as much as i hate positivity when i’m feeling down, some things are really pushing me to improving.

i have:

  • basically an infinite playlist that won’t distract me since i’ve started listening to the national. i’m a new fan, so most of the songs sound like the others, but i hope in the time to come that i’ll be able to differentiate my favorites.
  • new flair pens (i’ve got 12; i will make sure not to push down too harshly)
  • the weekend. i always think that i’ll become well rested and suddenly replenished over a two and a half day break, but it never seems to work out that way. maybe i’ll renew my books (i haven’t gotten even a third way into americannah and i’m still on the namesake of welcome to the monkey house).

i’m hoping for the best.

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letters to myself

all at once (day seventy six)

high school is not destiny. it’s part of life, but i feel like when you’re in high school, people act like it’s the most important thing you’ll ever do and like the whole course of your life is being decided.

-john green

i think that teenagers are pressured beyond belief to find their calling. perhaps they are not pressured by certain people, but feel the pressure, the need, to find what they excel at. this happens to everyone, but i think teenagers especially. because they’re in that limbo between being a child and being someone who’s supposed to be able to take care of a child. everything that happens is magnified, everything is crucial. can you call it overreacting if an entire age group goes through this teen angst?

i am usually dishing out this nonsensical panic; rarely do i provide advice. but, when the tables are turned and someone confides in me about their issues, it makes me realize how absurd everything is. usually this dreadfest comes after something bad happens. not something major, like a death in the family or a sudden move across the country, but more along the lines of a bad test grade or not getting a varsity letter. something that you may still have a chance to fix, but is still a bummer. and to tell the person grieving over that defeat that it is not the end of the world is a bad idea. almost insulting. like a slap in the face by a dead, cold fish. it’s not the time to say that, even if it’s what the person needs to hear.

even though i’m still stressing over what lies ahead, i have to admit that the future is not in our hands. even if we go to the best colleges and intern at the best companies, success is not definitive. and at the same time, even if you’re failing now, that doesn’t determine your wage bracket or how you’ll end up living. it’s a biting thought, especially if you think about how many people forgo social events for studying. i’m typing this, but i still have trouble believing it. accepting it, really. teenagers are great at giving advice that they wouldn’t take themselves.

i’d like to think that this is a letter to myself, for when i’m crying about failing my math test or something, but maybe it’s nice to just get this out. it’ll probably be irritating to read if i’m down on my luck, because when you’re losing everything is annoying.

i don’t trust my words. but i do have faith in vlogbrothers. so here’s to the 3:19 long video that inspired it. thanks john

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no one said it was easy (day twenty five)

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Enough Is Enough.”

but i assumed that it was gonna be a piece of cake anyways. and what’s it? having friends, of course.

i’m not sure if it was just chick flicks or ya novels who made me assume that each group goes around with their own clique avoiding other cliques, but i keep getting surprised when i realize again and again that the notion isn’t true. or at least, not everywhere. where i go to school, it’s almost impossible to differentiate people into clean cut friend groups. it’s like god himself giggled and decided to mix all the colors of play-do until it all became an ugly brown blob and people just mesh and interact until you and i can’t tell the purple from the yellow.

in the least creepiest way possible, that’s why it’s so fun to observe people. to sit next to someone in chemistry and then see them interact with people in the hallways is such an odd experience. but i’m not going to lie it’s also hella confusing. everything seems to be confusing to me, but remembering who likes who is exhausting. i can’t count the number of times my friends say something whole-heartedly and then when i state my support a few hours later everyone sighs and says in a diminishing tone that she and james are back together (like, duh) and probably going to get married in the next fourteen minutes and it’s again just occurring to me that it’s not worth it.

Phoebe_stop_the_madness

again, i throw in the towel.

my grades suffer because i waste my time worrying about what my actions and words might accidentally convey and how other people might see me. it’s so stupid, especially because these people aren’t good people. some don’t work hard and are so mean, and honestly i question the values of others. high school is literally four years of life. whatever happened between sixth grade and now has made my life so much worse (mostly academically), and i only have myself to blame for it. me and my overthinking brain. i’m pretty sure that if i had stayed the same from sixth grade, i would’ve been one of those teens who would’ve been interviewed for a yahoo article or met the president. yes i would be a load weirder but i would also be a ton smarter. what a shame. there’s nothing i can do because i’ve made myself lazy. i used to be a thin, smart kid and now i’m out of shape and metaphorically a loser. being surrounded by successful people is both motivating and upsetting.

but of course, that’s just me and my school. this is something i often jump from side to side on. tomorrow, i’ll probably put my friends back on their pedestals, no matter how rude they can be.

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