the socially awkward teenager’s guide to vacations (day ninety three)

first of all, vacation does not automatically mean traveling. perhaps for well-adjusted it does, but you can’t go to costa rica or paris without dealing with the stress of traveling and worries over wasting money. instead, you stay home. but that doesn’t automatically mean it’s boring!

  1. take a walk (i went to the local park, where i sat in the swings and lip synched for a while. and i saw why families love taking their kids to a park. it was before 3, so there were few kids. i actually love kids, but it was enlightening to see adults playing tennis and shooting hoops. also, is there really not a reality show where amy poehler and the rest of the parks and rec cast goes around fixing minor park problems?
  2. watch a critically acclaimed movie (django unchained)
  3. buy something you’ve needed for a while [not drastically- more of a passive desire] and get it without feeling rushed (sandals)
  4. finally read, preferably something with a thicker plot that you normally would not have the time to get through (we were liars by e. lockhart is amazing, though quite disorienting)
  5. and of course, watch/rewatch/resume too many shows (in my queue? bones, sherlock, and merlin)

i actually hate traveling, and for the most part, vacations. and then i’m thrown back into school, and i’m just begging for a break. i usually don’t have a good time because my parents see it as a time to catch up on schoolwork and not an opportunity to relax completely. but so far, my break is fine.

i hope yours is too!


on being a pushover (day fifty three)

the first step is admitting you have a problem problem*

i am a pushover. a people pleaser. passive aggressive sometimes, but for the most part just passive. it’s a bad habit for anyone because you let people walk over you and allow your self worth to be determined by the most irrelevant of things. i thought i was always being paranoid and melodramatic about my relationships with other people, but last night a couple of people i don’t know as well as i’d like pointed out that i’m not treated well by my friends. even though i don’t regularly hang out with these people, i’ve always thought of them as the best. like they are the nicest, and most altruistic of the people i know. and so i really value what they’re pointing out, and even though this is something i won’t ever be able to bring up again with them, i’m gonna try and stand up for myself.

i think the biggest issue i have in all of this is that i’m never consistent. i go from “f yeah i’m an original 100% special person who will not be treated wrongly” to “but this is only for a few more years”. i wish i was more stable,

i recently began thinking about all of this after seeing one of the many astrological signs** and song lyrics (from bastille) and i got weapon. it’s unexplainably catchy. the beat is so prominent it feels like a battle cry or something, and the lyrics are even more impressive. as i was reading my horoscope (i’m virgo), i thought to myself this song is going to change my life. i’m gonna make a change. and i think i’m on the road to success. if anyone else is feeling this way, i wish you the best of luck on your journey.


No one ever lets me talk this long, I just got lost

-jerry gergich

*unsurprisingly, no one seems to know the rest of the steps, or at least they’re not quoted this often.

**i’m a little wary of the new hype with horoscopes on tumblr since i’ve been doing it for years before, but when it corresponds you just think to yourself how did they even know that. it’s a catchy


the fear of the fear of standing out

one of the biggest habits i need to fix in 2015 is comparing myself. i compare myself to literally everyone, and it makes me an incredibly sensitive and somewhat cynical person. it’s a cause of so many worries, but at the same time the critiquing makes me work towards being better.

i’ve been on this earth for a while, and i still haven’t decided if i’m special or not. in retrospect, i was quite special (at least to how i am now). but i think society really warps young minds sometimes, and it can repress a skinny little sixth grader into being passive and unremarkable. if you saw my application or resumé, i would just be another teenage girl who shops at uo* and watches parks and recreation, but i think that in person i’m quite odd. i overshare and underprepared, which makes people pretty uncomfortable. i can’t tell a story to save my life, which makes me dead weight at social events, and i overthink pretty easily. unfortunately, none of these traits are helpful in any way, so after an interview i’m pretty sure people would put me at the bottom of the stack.

every once in a while i have this sudden urge to really clean up my academics and dust off everything and become shiny and improved. it’s an invigorating feeling, but never seems to work out. i have a short attention span, and ultimately give up until the next weekend comes and i’m convinced that i’ll become a millionaire before 20. today, i kept thinking about what i wanted to do in the future, because now everyone is thinking about the future. parents have their kids studying for the sat’s in the eighth grade and are already making decisions that their child is ultimately going to regret. planning is great, because stability is something so fickle, but at the same time being comfortable means there’s no room to be creative.

one of my biggest heroes is filmmaker casey neistat, who was the first to make me understand why four minute youtube videos counted as films. he was born into a reasonable family, lived in a trailer park and worked as a dishwasher for a tourist stop, sold a tv show to hbo for millions of dollars and is now living in new york city spewing out viral videos. of course he’s creative and really knows how to make a great video, but i always think that if he hadn’t had those circumstances he would’ve never gotten to where he is now. he was forced to be creative, and couldn’t (or didn’t) worry about stigmas. and i wish i could be that fearless, because i can’t even count the number of opportunities i’ve turned down out of fear of being the odd one out. i hate having anything people might judge me about, but again and again i realize that if i don’t do something i’m just going to become part of a demographic. i know my biggest regret isn’t going to be not traveling to europe or not marrying the one, but not saying yes to the things that really could have made an impact. my interim goal in life, incredibly cynical but even more narcissistic, is to be happier than the people who’ve made me sad or mad. the ones whose words seem to seep into my head when i should be focusing on other things. it’s messed up, but most of these people are friends. and they’re the kind of people who are judgmental about everything, so i’ve decided that if i’m going to break the rules i might as well be creative. they all seem to pretend not to care, and i know that if i go down that path i’m going to start not to care, and that’s another nightmare of mine.

good talk. it’s really cleared up my mind even though it’s 1 am and i’m sitting in the dark saying these words to myself while typing them into my brighter than my future computer screen.

*they’re known for their “edgy” things, but i can’t take them seriously anymore because everyone shops there. everything they have is deviated from something else that’s famous, yet i still like their clothes. odd.


In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Pleased to Meet You.”

Pleased to Meet You

Write a post in which the protagonists of two different books or movies meet for the first time. How do they react to each other? Do they get along?

(Thanks for a great prompt idea, Christine Goodnough!)

after a day’s marathon of psych, i can’t stop thinking about the 80’s. of course, i was not alive then, and i won’t even try to pretend i know what it was like. one of my youngest memories is a schoolmate decked out in a metallic disco outfit, complete with crazy big peace sign earrings and an oversized afros for halloween. to this day, i’m still a little offended. all i have of the 80’s is a list of overrated yet still fairly entertaining films, two of the most distinctive characters from the most legendary films: veronica sawyer from heathers and ferris bueller from ferris bueller’s day off.

at first, their boldness stood out the most. i saw veronica as sarcastic and quick witted, two things i’d love to be more of, and ferris as cocky and 100% flippant. to imagine them together is mind boggling, seeing as the films have totally different vibes. they come from similar backgrounds of caring to the point of nauseating families, but i thought i was going to soil my pants out of fear in one and out of entertainment in the other. i can’t see veronica hating ferris because as brazen as he is, he is no vapid fake. i think of her as an april ludgate who made some bad decisions. on the other hand, i can’t imagine ferris being too chill with murder. but in the end, it’s more than likely that they’d be friends, pranking the worst of their classmates or teachers.

*the title from this post comes from the name of the prompt (pleased to meet you), which reminds me of the lyrics from blank space. i think about the character at the end of the movie, after all of the “life changing” moments and how that would affect their personality.

where you been?* (day eighteen)


sweet home alabama (day fourteen)

i forgot to pack half the things i need and i have eaten too much.

swansong knowing whassup

swansong knowing whassup


oasis: away from the winds and sounds of the city* (day seven)


A sanctuary is a place you can escape to, to catch your breath and remember who you are. Write about the place you go to when everything is a bit too much.

i would like to say that i always know who i am. but i don’t, because i feel like an eclectic mix of fourteen personalities depending on the situation i’m in, and the people i’m surrounded with. i go online to really relax, mostly from pressures that come from all around. i’m not a different person online, but instead of having my words and actions be criticized, i can admire the work of others as a passive bystander. *whenever teachers and parents preach about the importance of being a leader, i feel a twinge of disbelief. we all believe that our children can become president, and they can, but many forget that being a leader and being a follower are not opposites. you can be both, and i think that in a good leader you need someone who is willing to back up an idea even if he or she doesn’t get the credit that we all want.*

quite possibly the greatest thing of being on the grid is that while it’s foolproof to be interactive, it’s not necessary. if there’s something irrelevant blowing up on twitter (like if zayn malik’s tweet really did mean that) that i don’t want to be a part of, i can close that tab and open any other page. when i log onto netflix, quite possibly the only conversation i have is the company asking if i liked the movie and if i typically watch that genre. it’s entirely optional and unnecessary to read the reviews, and for only $7.99 i can forget that i have subject tests and tennis tryouts and watch two seasons of parks and recreation in two days.

of course relying on your computer/phone/tablet/whatever samsung is producing these days for entertainment can be the root of some problems. while i say that i’d rather people interact face to face without checking instagram, i fall into the pressure of not being the girl who stares around while waiting for lunch. i wonder if other people have this issue. i want to say i’m torn but i think it’s just the overthinker in me.

*the nomenclature of this post comes from the song skulls by my favorite band, bastille, so check out this awesome remix on their latest album release other people’s heartache part III