plans??? (day one hundred thirty nine)

i am done with school. mentally, i gave up months ago, but i have pulled through and taken my last exam. every year when this time hits i think back and am impressed by my getting this far. i don’t know what i expected, but finishing sophomore year was not it. and with the ending of another school year comes my another summer of my mom’s incessant reminders to plan. she’s a textbook planner if you don’t count her tardiness. and while i’m sure she was hoping i would be making a list of sheets i need to pick up, i’m excited to unveil my summer plans.

  1. be able to pull off a basic hairstyle from a youtube tutorial. i’m not talking those inverted, upside down and ti-dyed braids. just curling my hair correctly. bonus points if i learn it from a magazine
  2. win (or at least enter too many) sweepstakes. i’m kind of banking on seventeen to provide me with more bathing suits
  3. use spanish. naturally, and outside the classroom. it’s a cliche dream, but i know that this is literally the only way to sound natural and understand normally
  4. write here every other day. i’m going to south america later this summer and i can’t bring my computer, and i can’t imagine writing 10 posts ahead of time, but 5 sounds a little more doable.

mini goals for the week (day eighty one)

most people make goals on sunday nights or monday mornings- i get that. but i also get that i won’t stick to a resolution if i wait until the last minute (throwback to when i forgot that i gave up chocolate for lent)

  1. sitting less- even though i already knew all this, this video scared me into standing. i’m going to cut down my sitting time by standing when i watch television. either i get better legs or i watch less television (great news either way)
  2. more sat work- kind of explains itself. i’m hoping to take the test in may, which is really close for someone who hasn’t quite begun studying for the math section
  3. buy more pants- first day of spring was this week, but i’ll still need more pants. i found my perfect pair at ae, and i have yet to buy them (too busy) but i also want colored ones.
  4. decide whether my horoscope is to be trusted- it said i missed an opportunity for a reason. i can think of said opportunity, but admitting that it flew by me is basically saying that i can’t chase it. i’m not sure if i’m ready for that kind of rejection.

the key to internet success (day fifty one)

this title is a bit misleading because i have not found out how to become an online icon nor would i tell you. just being honest. to me, i see becoming a prominent blogger or vlogger (or whatever) as kind of the same thing as losing weight- it’s possible, it seems, to everyone but me. and because of that, there are countless ways to go about it and many of the most successful got there naturally.

for someone who currently has a little over twenty followers on her blog (thank you by the way… i think that’s really cool even though it’s a really low number), i think about social network fame quite often. i think it’s just the inquisitive side of me that comes out from my overabundance of time on the internet, but it makes me quite paranoid. i’m at the that time of the school year where i begin to think that having just one successful text post would change my life. with technology becoming a frequent part in most peoples’ lives, it seems that becoming youtube famous or having a trendy and successful (yet hipster) blog is all that most people want. i kind of get that, because i’ve felt the desire for both (and for taylor swift to follow me on tumblr). but then i realize that the people i look up to the most, in terms of recording their lives for the rest of the world to see, didn’t do it for the perks. they had a message and a viewpoint, and were just creative enough to be found and liked.

i always get so caught up in things that irritate me- one of the biggest things i can’t stand looking into the comment section and seeing “i love bruno mars so much!11¡¡¡¡¡¡ if you have time, could you please check out my covers… my dream is to make music for the world to see 🙂 <3” it’s the equivalent of those big blogs on tumblr lying about how great a product or company is and their other big blogged friends adding unrealistic positive comments when reblogging. typing this out makes me realize how pathetic i’m being right now.

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in an overthinking world, it’s nice to know there are candid people setting us all straight.


the fear of the fear of standing out

one of the biggest habits i need to fix in 2015 is comparing myself. i compare myself to literally everyone, and it makes me an incredibly sensitive and somewhat cynical person. it’s a cause of so many worries, but at the same time the critiquing makes me work towards being better.

i’ve been on this earth for a while, and i still haven’t decided if i’m special or not. in retrospect, i was quite special (at least to how i am now). but i think society really warps young minds sometimes, and it can repress a skinny little sixth grader into being passive and unremarkable. if you saw my application or resumé, i would just be another teenage girl who shops at uo* and watches parks and recreation, but i think that in person i’m quite odd. i overshare and underprepared, which makes people pretty uncomfortable. i can’t tell a story to save my life, which makes me dead weight at social events, and i overthink pretty easily. unfortunately, none of these traits are helpful in any way, so after an interview i’m pretty sure people would put me at the bottom of the stack.

every once in a while i have this sudden urge to really clean up my academics and dust off everything and become shiny and improved. it’s an invigorating feeling, but never seems to work out. i have a short attention span, and ultimately give up until the next weekend comes and i’m convinced that i’ll become a millionaire before 20. today, i kept thinking about what i wanted to do in the future, because now everyone is thinking about the future. parents have their kids studying for the sat’s in the eighth grade and are already making decisions that their child is ultimately going to regret. planning is great, because stability is something so fickle, but at the same time being comfortable means there’s no room to be creative.

one of my biggest heroes is filmmaker casey neistat, who was the first to make me understand why four minute youtube videos counted as films. he was born into a reasonable family, lived in a trailer park and worked as a dishwasher for a tourist stop, sold a tv show to hbo for millions of dollars and is now living in new york city spewing out viral videos. of course he’s creative and really knows how to make a great video, but i always think that if he hadn’t had those circumstances he would’ve never gotten to where he is now. he was forced to be creative, and couldn’t (or didn’t) worry about stigmas. and i wish i could be that fearless, because i can’t even count the number of opportunities i’ve turned down out of fear of being the odd one out. i hate having anything people might judge me about, but again and again i realize that if i don’t do something i’m just going to become part of a demographic. i know my biggest regret isn’t going to be not traveling to europe or not marrying the one, but not saying yes to the things that really could have made an impact. my interim goal in life, incredibly cynical but even more narcissistic, is to be happier than the people who’ve made me sad or mad. the ones whose words seem to seep into my head when i should be focusing on other things. it’s messed up, but most of these people are friends. and they’re the kind of people who are judgmental about everything, so i’ve decided that if i’m going to break the rules i might as well be creative. they all seem to pretend not to care, and i know that if i go down that path i’m going to start not to care, and that’s another nightmare of mine.

good talk. it’s really cleared up my mind even though it’s 1 am and i’m sitting in the dark saying these words to myself while typing them into my brighter than my future computer screen.

*they’re known for their “edgy” things, but i can’t take them seriously anymore because everyone shops there. everything they have is deviated from something else that’s famous, yet i still like their clothes. odd.


unironically enthusiastic (day thirty three)

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Do or Die.”

the one thing i value over almost everything- my friends, my favorite tv shows, and even music, is vlogbrothers. i would rather watch a livestream or get involved in p4a than ice skate or watch a movie with my friends. it’s an odd choice, especially coming from someone who hates to feel alone and has spent the past few years making that an impossibility. and what is it about vlogbrothers (aka john and hank green) that makes me a different person?

it’s hard to explain my love for them, but i just love their unrestricted interest in everything. when i watch either of their videos, i am filled with this feeling that i can accomplish anything. i mean, both were bullied for being losers when they were younger, but here they are, interviewing the freaking president and donating millions of dollars to charities. they make me excited about politics and history and leaving the world in a better state than i found it in. i used to watch a bunch of youtubers until i realized that their videos were cute and all but ultimately all the same. it takes a long time for a person to realize that you don’t have to know what’s on someone else’s phone to be confident about your own. i think that john and hank’s emphasis on issues is rightly used, and they have these entertaining and creative videos that cater to a variety of people. i’m an overthinking teenager but i know my calm librarian loves them too, as do millions of people around the world. i hate that this is limited to 300 words, because i have thousands more.


always the stairs, never the escalators (day ten)

like most people in the world, i’m a serial procrastinator. i don’t skimp on homework or put off spending time with my friends, but in all other aspects of my life, i never go the extra mile. i’m a “photographer” on the school newspaper, which means that once a month i have to go to a sports meet alone and scour facebook to find pictures from past events (both of which show that titles are misleading). i started with an ancient camera and to be honest, it was real crappy. i know next to nothing about photography, but i can tell that no matter what setting it was on, there was no way i could get a non-blurry action shot on it. i could barely get a still shot with decent lighting, but that was definitely my fault. i begged for a better camera since i felt so ashamed of the dinosaur aged nikon, and after persistent (ie irritating) pleas for several months, my dad ordered something along the lines of a canon eos 75 (goes to show how much effort i’ve put in) and to this day, ten months later, i still have not learned the basics. i know how to set the timer and take the picture and look back and i could probably sync the photos to wifi but that’s basically all i know. a shame, really.

that’s why i look up to people like casey neistat. this years new year’s resolutions are quite vague, but all fall into the category of no regrets. eating healthy means that i have control over my own body so if i’m unhappy with it i can change. speaking up so i don’t think back and realize that things could’ve been different had i voiced my opinion. even talking to people who make me nervous, so i never wonder if things would be different if i had talked to him or walked with her. he dropped out of high school at 15, became a father two years later, lived on welfare, lived in a trailer while washing dishes as a living, saved enough money, made little movies that could’ve only been made in the 2000’s, and got all the way to the top, that is- making a living out of something that he could barely afford as a hobby. his videos seem to make people question everything, which is awesome. discussions are necessary for everything, and he gives a voice to people who would not otherwise be heard, such as cyclists and the people affected by bike lanes. it’s entertaining how controversial the topic of biking on the street is on youtube.

to me, he’s one of the most talented and creative filmmakers on youtube and overall a force to be reckoned with. if you’re like me and you’re wary of extreme praise, take the nicely packaged route and start with his ted talk or read his wikipedia page or watch his most famous commercial… just whatever you do, understand that this man is worthy of the hype he receives. even though he doesn’t really receive too much backlash (mostly angry people thinking he’s a hipster), i must put it out there that i think this man is real.*

in honor of his awesomeness, i’m listing my favorite of his films.

*in the followup to the two dollar bills video, casey put up that he’s giving away free stickers, and true to his word, i got several. i put one of the two dollar bill ones onto my nalgene, which means people always ask the question “did you tape a two dollar bill onto your water bottle?” other than that, they’re pretty cool- i suggest sending for some. your self addressed envelope comes with confidential stamped on.


waffle house and feminism (day two)


the advocacy of women’s rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men.

over the past few years, my family has been going to a nearby waffle house on the morning of christmas day. this year we were on vacation during christmas (much to my chagrin) and we missed that delicious tradition, but my sister and i continued the trend this morning. it’s something i always look forward to, because you can always count on waffle house being open. as we were leaving, a man who was definitely over thirty called out to us (my sister and i are still in our teens) and said something along the lines of “damn girl” among some other things. at first i thought this was a catcall, but soon i realized that catcalls are something more along the lines of “a shrill call or whistle expressing derision or disapproval” rather than anything sexual. the comments of 10 hours of walking in nyc as a woman come from both sides of the spectrum, including “YOUR job is to keep your fucking mouth shut when I walk past you” and “Harassment? 90% of these guys were wishing you a nice day you stuck up bitch” 

one comment explained that this is nothing compared to what he and his boyfriend deal with every day. while i feel for his situation, i also don’t think that attacking this video is the way to showcase what he and his partner go through. i doubt that what happened to me this morning was harassment, but it sure didn’t make me feel flattered. it’s not assault and it definitely isn’t rape, but being hit on by someone at least twice my age made me feel dirty. to be fully clothed in winter apparel and on a mission to have a leslie knope waffle doesn’t equate to “i want someone old enough to be my father to stare at my butt”

a majority of the commenters think that the filmmaker took all these “catcalls” too seriously and that it doesn’t even border on the lines of harassment while others 

as i was writing this i started to see things from everyones’ points of views and i’m honestly dumbfounded. am i taking everything that’s ever happened to me out of proportion or is this a serious issue that thickheaded people don’t believe is wrong? but what i can say is that for me it makes me uncomfortable to be hit on by men twice my age. it makes me feel dirty and it also makes me wonder why no guy my age really talks to me. the great thing about that last two sentences is youtube commenters can’t say is that’s not true because that’s my opinion. what a relaxing conclusion.